love is health
I always struggled with follow through. In the 5th grade, I rallied my classmates to create a comic book with me, teaching everyone the proper way to use colored pencils and fill white space. After 2 weeks I abandoned my leadership post, bored with the idea, and frustrated by my classmates' inability to read my mind and do what I "knew was right". The number of tasks I have started and fled from is countless. Wether I lacked focus, discipline, or grit, my struggle for completion is a life theme. I'm not a closer - I'm a creator.
So when I returned to the track last night for my first bout in 6 months - after my mastectomy, breast reconstruction, chemotherapy, a new job, sudden parenthood, and while in the midst of menopause at 30 - I conquered a lifetime of incompletion. I am reminded of this study, citing many women experience personal growth after a cancer diagnosis. However, I didn't return to the track alone. The decision to remain on our travel team and be captain through treatment was difficult. Several times I would call my co-captain Jill in a frenzy, frantic with the belief I couldn't do it - I couldn't come back to my sport, my team, my source of joy, because life had other plans for me. At one point shortly after diagnosis, I had stepped down (for 2 weeks), assuming treatment would overrun my life (which it did), and I wouldn't feel up for skating (which was true at times.) But for some reason I can't quite explain, perhaps madness, maybe stubbornness, I remained committed to my team. Even after my 2 week hiatus, they selected me as their captain for a second term, knowing I'd be going through cancer treatment in the fall. I was, and still am, completely taken aback and humbled by their faith in me. Their belief carried me through treatment, through rehabilitation, and back to the track last night. The unwavering support I have received from my teammates and derby community took me back to the gym, on skates, and leading the team again. I often questioned whether I could continue skating and serving as captain. Last night's victory in Tucson put that to rest. I'm immensely proud of my teammates. Win or lose - their character and integrity remain consistent, supportive, and familial. I say with confidence, without them - without being part of this team, with these teammates, at this time, I would have retired in June and allowed breast cancer to end my skating career. Yet here I am, at the beginning of another travel season, humbly at the helm of this intimate band of inmates. This is all to say: Thank you, Terrors. Without you, I wouldn't have returned to bouting last night. Your faith in me was like an assist through a rough pack.
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Pack is Here. Life is now.8/10/2013 This week has been a roller coaster. Or should I say a defensive powerjam?
The blessing/ curse of having cancer (beyond the obvious) is that it forces you to have to slow down and reflect on that which is most important to you. You can't ignore these things for very long before they burrow their way through the pack of life. Like the most tenacious jammers, the Important Things In Life (ITIL) will force life to go where it wants, at the speed it wants, in the direction it wants, until life scatters across the track, causing a pack destruction. My pack is slowly being destroyed, and reformed. And that's okay. It needs to happen. This week I recorded my tryout for Team USA. Objectively speaking, it was not my best lifetime performance. Frankly, I have de-conditioned a bit since my concussion in mid June. Couple that with my inconsistent practice attendance and a splash of stress, and you have an athlete who gave her all, but fell short of shining. While I am not pleased with my performance, I also recognize I have a lot on my plate, have put a great deal of pressure on myself to perform under stressful conditions (stress begets stress), and I gave the very best that I could, all considered. As I would tell any other athlete in a similar situation, "all you can do is the best that you can, and that's that." I am glad I followed through with this goal, and am still very grateful for my community who has supported me in accomplishing it. Team USA or no - I at least got to finish what I started. It was bitter sweet, but I'm glad I did it. On the lighter side, this week my team received news that we are being awarded the Spirit of Phoenix Women's Sports Association (PWSA) Award. This is very significant for us. For those of you following my team, we've been through a lot in the past 12 months: The drama of transfergate, followed by the beatings we took at regionals, followed by the retirement of several veteran teammates, some hard early season losses, injured players, short rosters, division challenges, and fallen rankings. Nonetheless, my determined dreammates and I pressed on, ending our season with a 3 game winning streak, playing with 10-11 skaters, half of whom were new to the team, and rose to veteran-level skill in under 6 months. We became a machine. We worked our a$$es off (no , seriously - I had to buy new pants and have lost 8 lbs) to rebuild our team. I am DAMN proud of us. It sure feels good that our dedication, tenacity, and "just keep skating"/ work hard-play hard attitude is being recognized. Tomorrow, at half time during the Phoenix Mercury's game, we are receiving the Spirit of PWSA Award. I am so very proud. Meanwhile, surgery is looming. I have done my best to remain present in each day and not get caught up mentally chasing my tail in preparation for next week. Right now is the time to be with Luke, be with my team, see my friends & family, and chill out. Remaining present is a remarkably challenging yet much needed task for me. If you see me staring off into the distance or mentally checking out, hit me in the boob. That should bring me back right quick :). I had an idea today that made a million light bulbs go off to BLOW MY MIND. August 12th I am registered to try out for Team USA in Seattle. Even in light of everything, I didn't cancel my registration. However, given the ambiguity of my treatment, and the new financial "surprises" we will face, in addition to my lack of paid time off (previously spent on derby travel!), I recognize it's not very practical for me to go to tryouts. But what if tryouts came to me? In the previous Team USA tryout they allowed for video submissions of skaters who couldn't make it to the physical tryouts. This year I know they were not accepting submissions, but I am hoping they will make an exception. The way I see it, they have nothing to lose by considering me via video. They keep my money, and still can say "no" to adding me to the team. No harm, no foul, only brownie points gained for helping a sister out. OR they see how dedicated/ determined/ perseverant (and hopefully skilled) I am and gain a feisty teammate. WINS ALL OVER! So, I crafted and emailed the following letter in hopes they will make an exception:
Frankly - I am not as concerned about the outcome of the tryout as I am about the chance to experience it. Assuming their approval, I know my amazing teammates will help me follow through this commitment by skating with me - supporting me, encouraging me, holding me up, and being the pad-scented wind beneath my wings. I just need Team USA Staff to say "Yes". Here is to hoping that they let me tryout via video.
*Photo credit: Levar Hurtin Community Support, and food7/17/2013 Our Community is Effing Amazing.
You will never find a community of people more awesome than those of roller derby. Or I will eat my helmet. This past weekend my team played against the ladies of High Altitude Roller Derby (HARD) in Flagstaff. While I was unable to play that game (due to prior commitments made), my team informed me it was a sentimental, wonderful bout. Our team color is a lovely pink/ magenta. My co-captain said that the team felt like they were wearing pink for me, given my absence. I thought this a sweet sentiment, and certainly informs me that I am loved and appreciated. The ladies of HARD sent back with them a signed card and gift card for me to help ease some of the inevitable financial burdens coming our way. And this is why the derby community is so awesome. Some of these people hardly know me. There are some, I am sure, I have never met. Nonetheless, when someone in our community is suffering, we inevitably, almost compulsively rally together to ensure their swift return. Its like having an army of 10,000 of the fittest, hottest, most athletic, sassy cheerleaders the world could gather. (While I realistically know that the whole derby community isn't aware that I exist, I still like this imagery). I am not even kidding when I say that, sometimes, I visualize microscopic derby players literally hip checking my cancer cells. (If someone could create a meme of this, I would be forever grateful!) It's like I have recruited the most awesome people on the planet to, at least mentally, help me do this to bad cells: (fast forward to 36 seconds in). Or maybe this (except that Melons is WAY COOLER THAN A CANCER CELL.) More On Food Stuffs On an unrelated note: I have been thinking a lot about diet and cancer. Tonight we watched Forks Over Knives, which details the impact our poor nutrition has had on our health. While I know there is a chance that I am genetically predisposed to cancer, after watching that movie, I couldn't help but feel like I did this to myself. I eat ungodly amounts of animal proteins. Meat and cheese are staples in our household (though we have significantly reduced the amount of cheese/ dairy we consume). This film implied that animal products are huge contributors to health epidemics, cancer included. If you have ever seen me consume animal protein, especially at a BBQ, you know I put away some meat (heheh... wink. ) I can (and I have) eaten a burger, a hot dog, a chicken breast, and a steak within an hour. While I have given up such ridiculous habits, I hope it illustrates just how much meat I can, and have eaten. And suddenly, I am faced with the truth that this ridiculous party trick has only served to tackle my boobies. Depressing as this movie was to watch (because no one wants to see they have caused their own cancer), it did teach me about Ruth Heidrich. While her website is absolutely terrible and makes my eyes bleed, it was so inspirational to see someone like me - an athlete, a fighter, and a strong-headed woman, overcome cancer by saying no to chemo and saying yes to dietary modifications. Her story, and the story of my friend, give me confidence that perhaps I can avoid having to cut and poison my body before healing it. The jury is still out for me on diet-only treatment, but this is all certainly encouraging to see. Why I keep skating: Skate for the cure.7/14/2013 There was a brief moment when I thought that I should stop playing roller derby so that I could focus on other things in life. That was short lived. Roller derby is so much a part of my life, my identity, that the idea of staying away from it became quickly absurd. My diet, sleep patterns, fluid intake, work schedule, social calendar - basically every part of my life, revolves around my participation in roller derby. For the 2 weeks that I stepped away from it (somehow thinking that I "should" or "have to") I was kind of miserable. My diet was off track, I wasn't drinking enough water (which is a big deal in AZ in July), I was grumpy from not exercising regularly, and I kinda had a small meltdown. It was like I crashed my life few a few days, only to have to reboot it. It was clear that I actually *need* roller derby to function normally. Not even kidding. All the things I regularly do to support my athletic endeavors are the same things that need to be done to fight cancer. Eliminating sugar, eating healthy super foods, working out, relieving stress, drinking tons of water, vizualization, goal setting, journaling - all help the cells of my body to do their job. That said, its doesn't make sense for me to stop skating. Is roller derby a cure for cancer? Maybe not directly, but for me, its definitely key to giving my body everything it needs to fight like hell. This is why I keep skating. Roller derby gives me the dangling carrot I need to maintain a regimented, focused, disciplined, athletic lifestyle, which in turn make me healthier. Breast Cancer? Pshhhhh.... Ain't nobody got time for that. * Photo Credit: Masonite Burn AboutSnapshots in time across a span of years managing breast cancer Archives
June 2020
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